A look back on my year | 2017

Wednesday 27 December 2017

2017 didn't kick off to the best start for me, I was pretty ill, that is something I don't want to go into as it was a horrific time for me over the Christmas period of 2016. I wanted to make this year a good one but things slowly got a bit worse. I'm not going to say names or anything on here because I'm done with the shit they put me through and like to think that they have grown up and learnt their lesson now. I spent a lot of 2017 being paranoid about my blog, wanting to shut it down especially after the abuse I was sent, I had disgusting comments written on my posts about my health and suffering with HG. I was called a liar and a bully because another person saw fit to make up lies about me.

A lot of my followers already know who was the cause of this there were two people, in fact, one who I had never met but was meant to be writing for and another who I have met and wouldn't want the pleasure of meeting again as they are so toxic. I pushed through all the shit I was getting and even put an IP logger on my blog which I still have, even to this day the same people visit my blog and I know it's them. I don't care if they look anymore because at the end of the day the more traffic I get to my blog the better it is for my stats so that is one upside to things! I probably shouldn't have reacted back but what if someone supposed to do when 5 years of hard work on this blog is being threatened by someone so jealous. They could have just emailed me to discussed things which they still can, my emails are always open to discussing things but I will not be threatened with messages from people they know to stay silent and I know these people probably reading this so all I have to say to them now is to become a better person. You won't get far in life putting others down/being fake and lying about them to make you look like the better person, you are no longer my problem and if you want to become a problem again I will happily take steps once again to ensure you leave me alone.

Now back to my health, its not been the greatest and stress has definitely played a huge role in it getting worse but I try not to let it get me down, I have my days where I cry because I'm in a lot of pain and feeling unable to do much at all but I hide it from others and tend to tell them I'm fine. Thing is no one should have to put on a front about these kinds of things especially when getting the support we need can help us so much when it comes to our health. I ended up with vertigo this year, some of you will say oh well that's nothing but trust me when I say that it is awful on its own but 1000x worse mixed with my chronic illness. With vertigo it makes me throw up a lot and because of this i panic as it instantly takes me back to when I had HG, because I get triggered just by being sick and panic I start feeling even worse I know a lot of people make fun of triggers but trust me when you go through something traumatic and see something that takes you back to that time it fucks with you. Whenever I smell certain smells I have to go and calm myself down because I'm so scared of it making me throw up.

One thing I have noticed is a huge change in myself, I've gone back to being a very anxious person and it took me so long before to get to a good place with my anxiety so I feel like I have taken a huge step back by letting everything get on top of me. I want to try and focus on changing that in 2018 and rather than getting worked up over the bad try and focus on the good which will be a huge task for me as I can be a very negative person. Besides all this I have been in our home with James for a whole year now, this year has passed so quickly which I'm glad. I want to make Christmas 2017 a good one and I'm s pleased I didn't get ill for this one and I hope 2018 is an even better year filled with new and happy memories looking forward and not back on all the rubbish that has gone on in my life.

The biggest upside to my year was my lovely friends/family and followers all helping me raise money for the Pregnancy Sickness Support charity and that my blog is up for nomination in the Uk Blog Awards, so many people have messaged me to say they have voted and that I have their full support which means more to me than you will ever know, but even though they are great achievements, as the days get colder and it starts getting darker earlier I feel a lot of mixed emotions, mostly a sense of loneliness. Christmas time has always been the time of year I get badly depressed, seeing people celebrate with their own kids and me with none it hurts but I wouldn't say I'm jealous more longing, I don't think that feeling will ever go away but I have a lot more going for me in life. I'm very fortunate to have a roof over my head and have a home full of tech and devices others dream of owning but personally, these things aren't what makes me happy, love and support are what makes me happy and I do have that given it's a small amount but I have people who care dearly for me. I hope that 2018 will help me heal a lot more with everything I've been through, I say that a lot but these things take time, you can't just switch a switch and suddenly be ok. I will make sure I don't push my emotions to one side and instead address them head on, burying my head in the sand only makes me more depressed and I don't like who I am when I'm depressed. I won't be making New Years Resolutions instead I will carry on the road to being happy and keep up with my blog as best as I can. 

I wish you all a Happy New Year my wonderful followers and readers!
Elle May

P.S. Comments for this post are turned off so people can't write anything nasty.