New year, new me? - EllexMay


Thursday, 1 January 2015

New year, new me?

Let's start off this post by saying I will not be changing myself, I certainly won't become a "new me" my reason for this? Well every year I always try and make a resolution and every year I fail, not because of will power or being lazy it's because I honestly don't need to change myself to be happy, instead this year I have decided to focus more on the good things in my life and turn the positive into a negative, not by saying "I will quit chocolate" or "I'm going to go gym" but instead I'm going to try a little thing that I should've tried a long time ago, that thing is acceptance. I'm one of those people who can't take a compliment or I say something negative about something so trivial, I've done this for years but I guess that's because of the years of bullying I went through. I just don't see myself how others see me, it's hard because I'm so set in my ways and people tell me I'm fishing for more compliments or they call me ignorant when that's not the case. So instead of being such a downer here are a few things I'm going to try my best to stop being negative about:

1. Why do I have to have my medical condition? No one understands!!

This is the main thing I'm always so negative about, I'm forever seeing the bad points and bringing people down because I'm feeling down about my condition. Sure I'm allowed my down days and I have every right to feel depressed and cry because of how exhausting and difficult living with my problem can be, but that doesn't mean I should spend every day moaning about it and making others feel guilty about it. I have it for life that isn't going to change, no amount of pitying myself will change it. So I've now got a rant diary that I write in, I write the pro and the cons of my day and get what ever I feel at that time off my chest, obviously I'm still going to have little moans about feeling like utter crap but I'm not going to let it rule me.

2. I need a man to be happy?

This is a stupid thing to think, I know I'm 26 and I want children and I really would love to finally be with someone who will cherish me and love me as much as I would cherish them and love them, but let's face it my track record with men is awful. I've been cheated on, used, manipulated and hurt but I'm still here, I'm still living and breathing and getting on with my life. I think I end up pushing too hard for love and I try to hard, I use to think there was something wrong with me because I was cheated on or they didn't love me anymore but that isn't true, self blame is ridiculous especially when I gave my all to a person, so instead I'm going to not force things to happen, maybe the right guy will eventually come my way and maybe I will have kids or even get married who knows, but until then I don't need a man to be happy, I have a cat for that (ha ha).

3. Why am I so fat?

Seriously Elle? Shut up! Why do I keep being so hard on myself, my weight goes up and down all the time and i swell up due to blood pooling, which is due to my low BP, it's hard to control and I end up looking like a swollen seal, but I'm not fat I'm size 12-14, sometimes i either have to buy a bigger or smaller size in certain shops because of the cut. But I'm not fat, I'm a curvy girl and I shouldn't be ashamed of the way I look. Body acceptance is a very hard thing, I can't tell someone they are wrong in thinking I'm beautiful or sexy because I don't see myself that way, I guess it comes down to accepting a compliment again. So if someone says "Elle you look great" or "Elle you're not fat" I won't argue back with them, well I will try not too. I do want to try and get my weight under control though, I'm going to see if I can be referred to a dietitian as I need to eat foods that are high in salt because of my NCS (neurocardiogenic syncope).

4. I have no one, no one cares about me.

This is the biggest load of rubbish I could say, and I do say it a lot. I have people I just push people away, which I'm really good at doing, I'm sure a lot of people can relate to this.. I don't give people the benefit of doubt because I've been let down by others a lot before. I find it very hard to trust and open up to people in case they judge me or bitch about me behind my back. I have some amazing people in my life right now who I love to pieces, I don't tell them enough how much they mean to me and I do take them for granted. So this year I'm going to make more of an effort with people and try and not hide away in my room all the time, well except for when I'm not feeling well and need to sleep for an eternity.

Remember you can always make a bad situation better, sometimes it can't be completely fixed but something good could come out of it, happy new year lovelies. 

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