I've had my fair share of grief in my life and one of the biggest impacts on my life was when my grandad passed away, I can remember exactly what my sisters and I were doing that day when my parents walked through the front door to tell us that he had passed away. First of all it felt like it wasn't real or wasn't true, but a few minutes later it hit me and I realised I had lost one of the most important people in my life. I was a teenager when my grandad passed and even though I was growing up he was always the person I was most excited to go and see, I wasn't interested in boys I just loved going to sit down in the living room with him and watch his war movies or detective programmes. For ages after he had passed I would forget that he wasn't with us no more and go and sit in my nan's living room thinking he was in there but then I would quickly realise he wasn't and my heart would sink. I miss him every single day of my life, the hurt and upset doesn't go away it's not something you can get over, it's something I have to learn to live with.
My grandad and me
Now I'm trying to deal with grieving for yet another baby that I wasn't able to carry on carrying in my womb, I'm not dealing with it very well I know I did a post a little while ago about what happened but my feelings have slowly started to build up because it's getting closer and closer to the day I may of given birth. A completely new and exciting life for me and James that just isn't going to happen and I'm trying my best to deal with that, I wanted to fill the pages with photos and lot's of memories of the baby book James got me...
I'm going to keep the book, it's too lovely to get rid of.
Instead of dealing with things by talking to people, I have been keeping my feelings to myself and letting everything build up more and more which is making me a pain in the butt (to put it bluntly) I don't want the way I'm feeling to effect my relationship with other people. I was able to let it all out to James over the weekend which has helped lift the heavy black cloud over my head, he reassures me that things will be better in time and I know that he is right but the reassurance only helps for a little while, so I'm just taking one day at a time and finding one good thing about my day that makes me smile. If you're struggling with grief and finding it hard to talk to people you know there is a site/app called 7 cups of tea , they are an emotional health and well being team who you can talk to anonymously about your problems in a one on one chat. There is a listener can connect to or you can browse listeners who you would like to talk to, you can even apply to become a listener and help others, I have used the service on a number of occasions most of them occasions are when people have gone to bed and I'm left alone with my thoughts, I highly recommend them to anyone who is dealing with any form of MH or grieving.