It's been a good few weeks since my post about my pregnancy and I finally feel ready to talk about it a bit more. I've been pretty low and trying to hide it from everyone which just ends up in ridiculous arguments and me telling people they don't understand, but they can't really understand if I don't open up and talk about it can they? Every time I see that someone has announced a pregnancy or had a baby, I feel an ache in the pit of my stomach that I can't shake, not because I'm jealous but because I would be around 20 weeks pregnant by now, that's half way through my pregnancy and I had to take the easy way out with a termination. But I had no choice, I risked making my other problems worse, how would I be able to cope with the rest of the pregnancy when my body itself wasn't coping at all? I've had a few people trolling me calling me a murderer but that's fine it's their opinion, I can't be bothered to argue and explain why my termination was wrong, it's not for anyone but me to judge which is what I've been doing a lot of. I felt like a really bad person but I'm not, I'm only human and I had to do what was right for my health and my relationship. I don't know how James would of coped if I got worse throughout the pregnancy, we both needed each other and I wasn't able to show him the support he was showing me, which he continues to show me. He reassures me all the time that one day (in the distant future mind) we will be able to have a baby together even if I'm suffering from HG, we will find a way to cope and hopefully I will be able to get more help from the doctors.
I actually was pretty much ignored by the doctors, I wanted to see someone anyone because my GP was on holiday and I needed to sort out some kind of medication combination to help ease my sickness, instead I was ignored or told no one can see me so early on in pregnancy, my stepdad went mad at the doctors he was so angry that they knew what I went through with my first pregnancy yet they wouldn't listen to me. I know a lot of people say "why didn't you go hospital" that would of been pointless as they wouldn't take me in until my ketones were high and at this point I was early on in my pregnancy and needed to be started on a course of sickness medication so going into hospital could be avoided. This is a huge pet peeve of mine right now when it comes to people speaking out about their HG; If a woman tells you she is suffering from HG don't suggest ginger biscuits or crackers, they won't work if anything the thought of eating them will just make a HG sufferer throw up all over you! HG is a disease, it's not just bad morning sickness, it turned me into a shell of myself I went into a very dark and lonely place where I just wanted to sleep forever because sleeping was my only escape. I'm still dealing with the after effects of HG, I'm not the same old Elle I was once was, I just hope that I go back to the outgoing person I once was.
I understand I'm entitled to feel sad but I'm going to enjoy my life and enjoy my time with James, dwelling on the fact that I had a termination isn't helping my health or relationship with loved ones, so I plan to enjoy every minute of it and enjoy being in love rather then destroying it with something I can't change, I want James to know I do love him and appreciate everything he has done to help me throughout this difficult time, I would fall apart if he didn't reassure me in the ways that he does. Sorry this has been a huge ramble but I feel so soo much better opening up. If you have a family member or a friend going through a hard time during pregnancy or after, just let them know you're there for them because pregnancy isn't all smiles and sunshine for everyone.