One of the hardest decisions I've ever had to make..

I have thought long and hard about posting this but I have decided to go ahead and talk about this. James and I haven't been together that long as many people know but we found out I was pregnant not that long ago, we were terrified and didn't want to tell many people because of what happened to me previously with pregnancy. I think it was the best idea that we had done this as at 8 weeks sickness hit me bad I ended up with HG (Hyperemesis gravidarum) again but this time it was 100 times worse then the first time, my body wasn't copying well and I had become so ill that I couldn't even bath myself. I know many women have been able to get through a pregnancy with HG and put up with the constant sickness, not being able to keep food or drink down and still trying to get on with life. For me it was a lot different because it made my NCS worse (as well as other heart issues I suffer with) and my body could no longer cope. 

The choice had to be made to terminate the pregnancy, it was a hard choice and I'm still trying my best to cope with it, this Saturday coming I would of been 12 weeks and excited to let everyone know I was expecting a baby, unfortunately that's not my reality anymore. I don't want any hateful comments towards me for my choice, having a termination was one of the worst experiences/choices I have had to make. Having to go through a surgical termination made things more difficult as no one was allowed to come with me and I was all by myself, I was terrified and just wanted to burst out crying but I didn't want anyone on the ward to see me cry. I spoke to a lovely nurse who reassured me that what I was doing wasn't in anyway wrong and that my health is what was important right now, she told me she was very concerned because my heart rate was very high and that this pregnancy wasn't doing my health any favours, in a way it made me more calm and I was able to relax a bit which helped my heart rate slow down a lot. I'm still trying my best to deal with things two weeks on and I know it will take a lot longer then that for me to get over it. I have the most supportive family, friends and partner I could ask for, and James and I seem more open and closer then we was before. The fact that we have had to go through something like this so early on in our relationship and he has stuck by me has helped enormously, he is a wonderful guy and he is going through this too and it's just as heart breaking for him as it is for me, he has no idea how grateful I am for sticking by me and the choice that had to be made.

People will most probably message/comment me telling me that it was wrong for me to be so open about this but I needed to get it off my chest because keeping it all in was getting me more down then anyone could imagine. I have nights where I will lay in bed and cry myself to sleep because I wanted that baby so badly, but my health was suffering badly. I'm terrified to ever be pregnant again because of HG yet I would love a child of my own eventually, luckily for me there are other ways for me to have my own child and there is always the option of adopting. I just wanted people to know the real reason why I haven't been speaking much or in contact that much, I just need time to heal and support I'm getting now to continue. Thank you all for continuing to read my blog I really appreciate it, if you have any questions about HG feel free to ask. 


2 comments

  1. First off, I just want to say it is incredibly brave of you to post your experience in a public forum. On the topic itself - what you've done is not wrong in any way, shape, or form. You did what was best for you and your health. Being that incredibly ill is not good for neither you nor a baby. I know that this is a tough decision - but you what a decision based on what was best for you and there is absolutely no shame in what you did. Stay strong, get better, and move forward. It'll happen when it's supposed too. :)

    xo Jenn

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    1. Thank you so much for your kind words, I just needed to air things because hiding it felt like I did something dirty and I hate keeping stuff inside. I really appropriate your kind words you've made me smile thank you so much xxx

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